I'm going to try to go back and document my feelings during the first two months of the diagnosis.
April 26
While Mimi was visiting, I found a lump on my left breast, almost under my arm. I texted my mom who said even though she was diagnosed at 42, she was sure it was nothing. Henderson and I were starting to try to have a baby so I actually thought it might have something to do with my hormones changing. Additionally, a few of my friends have lumpier breasts that are caused by fatty tissue or cysts so I just assumed this was one of those. I knew that I had an appointment in June with my GP so I just decided to wait until then to get it checked out. We had weekend plans every weekend for the next six weeks and work was busy so I just put it off. Thinking it was nothing.
June 2
My appointment with Dr. Islahi was over lunch. I had called the week before to make sure she had enough time in my appointment to discuss the lump I had found. At this point five people (Henderson, Mama, Daddy, and two friends) knew about this lump. I remember getting on the examining table and saying, "I actually think this is nothing. I can't believe I'm bringing this up, but with my family history I thought I should." Dr. Islahi examined it and said that even though she believed it was probably a cyst, with my family history she wanted to order an ultrasound for the following day. Because of my age, a mammogram doesn't show as much information as an ultrasound. She said that if something was amiss, they would do a mammogram. But she was sure it was nothing. She reminded me she was going on a two week vacation the following day and that even if I didn't hear from her it didn't mean anything was wrong. I had to tell my boss what was going on since in the accounting world, doctor's appointment means job interview. :)
June 3
My ultrasound was first thing in the morning so I drove straight to Baylor Park Cities breast imaging. I remember thinking how I brought the average age down by about 20 years as most women were there to get their annual mammograms. The ultrasound tech was super sweet. I actually teared up a little during the ultrasound thinking this is not what I should be doing on a Tuesday afternoon. But I quickly wiped them away reminding myself that this was nothing. She took A LOT of measurements and I was so bored. So, I basically got her life story. Then she went and got the radiologist. Who's bedside manner could use some improving. I remember her asking me to feel around and find the lump that I had found for her. I quickly found it and she said, "So, it's not this one?" pointing me to another lump. TWO. I had two lumps?! She said, "I want you to go over in the next room and get a mammogram done." I not-so-gently reminded her that a mammogram was only if the ultrasound showed something suspicious. Obviously, mine wouldn't have shown anything suspicious. She prodded me over to the mammogram room. The mammogram tech was so much fun! I won't go into great detail but she really lightened the mood. Afterwards, I went back in the ultrasound room where the doctor said that the mammogram didn't provide any information because of my dense breast tissue. She then said, "I'm very concerned. I think this is cancer. You need to have a needle biopsy done on both masses." I was laying on a table with my chest exposed, by myself, and she says that. I just kept thinking she had to be wrong. I then started asking all kinds of questions. "With my age, surely I wouldn't need chemo." "With the size of the mass, it would just be a lumpectomy, right?" She proceeded to tell me that even though we were getting ahead of ourselves, I would probably need chemo if it was cancer.
I have to stop right here and say that I do think that she was just trying to be honest and not sugarcoat anything, but I feel that she could have done it a little differently. This is not how you see it on tv surrounded by people you love and a doctor you know. She put in an order for a needle biopsy for both masses and I scheduled it for Friday downtown.
My parents wanted to come so bad and be with me, but I just couldn't do it. I wanted to be as normal as possible. I was still holding out hope that this was pre-cancerous. And I didn't want everyone worked up over nothing. If my parents came to visit, especially together since they've been divorced for so long, it would mean something was wrong. And absolutely nothing was wrong.
June 6
I had requested that everyone keep this information to themselves. I may love Facebook and social media, but the last thing I needed was a bunch of cryptic unspoken prayer requests to get everyone on FB freaking out. I hadn't even told my sister, but we did end up telling Henderson's brother and sister-in-law. They had come in for the weekend to go with us to see George Strait and they wanted to see Henderson's clinic. Since Henderson wasn't going to be there we had to tell them what was going on. Henderson and I decided to treat this day like a fun day off. After the biopsy we would meet Will and Brooke for lunch and enjoy the rest of the day.
The nurse that helped with the biopsy was about my age and super sweet. She explained how everything would happen in great detail and answered all of my questions. I had two doctors (one was a resident and one was a fellow) perform the biopsy. It helped that they were both good-looking. :) After the biopsy was over, I asked what their professional opinion of the images was. One of the doctors said that they knew it was not a cyst since they could tell that it was a mass and not water-filled. He also said that benign masses have smooth edges and are one color; my masses were rough and had a different color in the center. Even though he basically said that he believed I had cancer, he said it in such a nice way that he immediately put me at ease. Henderson and I decided to put this at the back of our minds and enjoy George Strait's last ride!
Monday, June 9
My parents had come in the night before to be with us while we got the news. One of the nurses that helped out with the biopsy, Karen, told me that she would call me Monday or Tuesday and let me know what the results were. I went in to work and acted like it was a normal day, even worked out on my lunch break! Around 2:30, I got a phone call from a Dallas number. It was Karen. I answered the phone and she said, "It is cancer." She said that the second mass was a lymph node that the cancer had spread to. I completely lost it. Realizing that it was in a lymph node changed the whole ball game. I had my office door shut while I talked on the phone and apparently my cries were very loud. My boss was great, coming in to comfort me and telling me to head home and be with my family. When I got to the car, I started making phone calls. First to Henderson. All I said was, "Can you go home?" All I could think about was all of our dreams, the life we planned out, all of it just gone in one phone call. I then called each of my parents and gave them the news and asked them to meet me at home. I then called the two friends that I had told about the lump. One had just gotten back from her honeymoon; I hated to spoil her week with the news but I knew if the roles were reversed I would want to know.
Walking in the door was so difficult. Henderson was waiting on me outside so we were able to have a moment together before talking with my parents. I just wanted to go to bed and cry and scream. But I didn't want my parents to see me so upset. They wanted to know what our next steps were but we had to wait on a few more results from the biopsy to move forward. Eventually I said, we can't just sit here all night staring off into space. My dad headed back to Mississippi and my mom cooked dinner. I don't know what it was but I do know I lost three pounds that week from my loss of appetite. My sister and Aunt Janet told Mawmaw and my dad called Mimi. Mimi and Daddy's brother and family were on vacation in Destin during all of this. My mom kept saying, "so-and-so is praying for you." Honestly, I was glad they were praying because I sure wasn't. If I'm being really honest, I hadn't prayed about this at all. Not even after the radiologist told me she was sure it was cancer. I was so angry. Angry and mad and depressed that this was my life. We had planned how we were going to tell our families we were pregnant. So much for planning. This is supposed to be the prime of my life. I'm supposed to be working on my career, starting a family, traveling. Not chemo. I admit that two months later, I still can't believe this is happening. Some days I feel that I haven't fully grasped it. And I may not for a long while.
I feel like I should end this post with something happy. But I can't. The days I'm writing about were very, very dark for me. I said things that I didn't mean, I had awful thoughts, and panic attacks were very common. And even though I still cry every day, I'm realizing how blessed I am. How thankful I am to be where I am, to have the family I do. Life can change in an instant and that's why we must not take a single day for granted.
And I know it could be worse. A lot worse. I have access to amazing medical care. I was able to pay my high deductible without thinking. My office has been nothing short of amazing throughout this. Life can change in an instant and that's why we must not take a single day for granted.
