One Down

Note: I'm going to try to document my feelings/thoughts during chemo.  Obviously, I won't go into grave detail about every side effect or depressing thought that enters my head, but I do hope to be honest about how these treatments are affecting me and my family.  Contrary to what everyone seems to think, I'm not "strong" or even "positive" through all of this.  Just because I'm not breaking down in public doesn't mean that I am handling this beautifully or even at all.  It just means I'm human and I'd rather not show such a vulnerable side to the world.    

My first treatment is officially behind us.  Friday was quite possibly one of the longest days of my life.  We got to the center around 8 and didn't leave until 4 that afternoon.  My cousin Carol ended up meeting us at the center and sitting and visiting with Cheyenne and Mama for most of the day (only two people were allowed back with me).  It was nice to see someone I knew in the middle of such a crazy, scary day.  I was able to pass the time with Netflix and my Kindle.  Several people have asked how the cold caps went and I will say it was a lot different than I expected.  I only had to wear them about 2.5 hours in the chair because they're only needed during actual chemo infusions.  During the non-chemo drugs, I could just sit there and eat and nap.  The caps were extremely cold and the frozen peas I had on my fingers and toes (to help combat neuropathy) didn't help with my cold body temperature.  A photo was taken (that I don't feel comfortable sharing - sorry) and I look like a snow bunny about to hit the slopes!  The idea of putting those caps back on my head makes me sick at my stomach but I'm praying that by the time the next treatment rolls around, I'll be able to suck it up.  Also, I made Mama promise me that she would make me wear them.  I'm sure the wrath of Lisa will help me to keep them on.  :)

I didn't have any out of the ordinary side effects, just lots of fatigue, sore muscles, even a nose bleed that freaked me out.  Someone at work made the comment today that they (they being my coworkers) need to make sure that they keep their hands washed, use sanitizer, etc, but that it's hard to remember since I look so healthy and normal!  Today I felt almost 100%.

By far my least favorite side effect so far has been the change in tastes.  I can already tell that this will contribute to the majority of my tears.  Everything, including water, tastes super bitter.  I am so hungry and thirsty but nothing tastes good enough to choke it down.  I'm able to eat bread and crackers but these irritate my mouth since it's so dry (another side effect from the chemo).    My dad made gourmet meals the last two nights and I could not eat them.

The last two months have been incredibly humbling.  I know that there is a reason for me, in the prime of my life, to have breast cancer.  And maybe, it's for me to have more compassion for others.  Or to realize that I don't always get what I want.  Or that I'm not the one who's in control - this is a very hard lesson for me to learn.  Whatever the reason, it has shown me how I am loved.  It feels like Christmas over here with the more than 70 cards that have poured in and numerous goodie baskets, flowers, and gifts that have taken over one of our guest rooms.  My parents and Henderson have gone above and beyond the call of duty to make sure that I'm taken care of.  Even with cancer, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in this world.  I am truly blessed.